As long as you're there
by IsadoraBueno
Summary: Sherlock and John face a new enemy. This is a Johnlock fanfic. I do not own Sherlock or anything. Ps, This fanfic was inspired by a fanfic that I read, it's name is "Where I Cannot Find You" and It was beautiful, and if you ever find it read it.
1. Chapter 1

Prologue

John looked into Sherlock's eyes, they were still so beautiful, he remembered the first time he saw those eyes. They were full of life and hunger for the world. Now there was something else there and John would rather never know what it was, it didn't matter, he knew that this something else had love mixed to it, and he knew that was all he could ask for that moment, he would ask for love if it was him in Sherlock's place – God, he wished it was him –, to be able to feel love and be loved. So that is what he was going to give to Sherlock. That was all he could give Sherlock.

Chapter 1 – July 17th

"Sherlock?" John called for the third time from the kitchen. He had heard weird noises coming from the end of the hallway and God knows that they could be nothing as well as they could be a dead body to suit Sherlock's experiments. "Sherlock!" John was about to go there and check on him, but he showed up at the door, was he even paler?

"John, I really don't appreciate when you call me that many times. If I did not come is because I was dealing with far more important things" Sherlock said not meeting John's eyes and trying to pretend to be interested in what John had ordered for dinner on the phone once he was too mad to cook after Sherlock had criticized his skills last week. John did not say anything he just stopped cooking and started ordering food, but Sherlock knew he was mad and that this was a slight punishment.

"Should I know what these things were or – The Lord help us – I'm better off in my ignorance?" John asked calmly as he served Sherlock with Brazilian food. Sherlock did not look pleased. Great.

"You better off in ignorance." He took the plate and stared. "What the bloody hell is this combination?" Oh crap. It was a punishment.

"It is Brazilian food, thought you would like trying something slightly different this week... You know, cooked by someone with actual skills." John winked statistically and started eating his rice, beans, steak, fries and salad.

Sherlock breathed heavily and gave it a try in silence. "You know I did not really mean it, I was just comparing you to ..." He stopped himself. The food was good. "Never mind, yes, you suck, order this again every single night."

John threw his head back and stared at the ceiling, his lips in a line. "God I hate you Sherlock." He said without any confidence in his own words, he could not even pretend, Sherlock was his everything.

"You know you don't, and the way you say it without any conviction flattered me and even made me consider that I should spend some time awake tonight because I am..." John stopped him with his hand covering his mouth.

"Don't you dare say you are bored, you have a thousand books, we bought that new microscope and further more if you are that bored you can always clean the bathroom once you made that mess there this morning" John didn't mean it. He was so happy to hear that Sherlock desired him.

"You know that my books and the microscope will never be you, don't be ridiculous, I am trying to flirt here but you are attempting to bring me to say the obvious and kill the mood." Sherlock hated when John tried to bring more of his feelings out in the form of words. He felt powerless because it was something that he was not good at. He hated to be bad at anything.

John laughed and decided to let it be. The rest of dinner was just about murder and odd experiments that John tried to keep away from meal times, but after all, he was married to Sherlock.

Their relationship was something so different from everything John had ever seen, but this was perfect, John was fine about it, he loved Sherlock and, although Sherlock was not good showing it, he knew it was reciprocal. He could see it in every little thing Sherlock did for him, such as the smile he gave to John when he finally fell exhausted beside John in bed, they were both breathing heavily and John was trying to move his way into Sherlock's arms.

"I love you, you know that right?" John said in the dark.

"Yes. I do know John" Sherlock's heart was beating faster, again, something he did not know how to deal with. "And... Ummm." He stopped himself.

"Of course you do, how could you not?" John closed his eyes and pressed his lips against Sherlock's bare chest. "I could never stand losing you again, promise me you won't leave again" John was being needy and acting like a teenager, but, who cared?

"John, don't be like that, you know that I can not promise you that I won't leave, after all I could die in a cab accident, or fall from the stairs and also, I could..." John put a hand over his mouth.

"Remember what we said about going with the flow Sherlock?" John raised his eyebrows in the dark waiting for the answer.

"Pfft." Sherlock stopped for some minutes and John removed his hand. "All that I am saying is I can't promise you anything like that because I could not stand disappointing you." Sherlock kissed the top of John's head. It was rare, but he did say cute things, and he did kiss John on the cheek or the forehead, even on the tip of his nose just to be cute. Sherlock was really trying, he felt like that was what John wanted so he would do it. Anything for John.

"You idiot." John kissed Sherlock again and again until they were no longer thinking about that conversation. John really couldn't stand losing Sherlock, ever. He would fight anyone, anything, he would do whatever in his power and out of it to keep Sherlock safe and by his side, happy. Maybe that is what made everything so hard when everything came flying at them by the end of summer. He could not fight Sherlock to keep Sherlock.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 - August 1st

"Shelock, are you sure you're alright?" John said looking inside Sherlock's eyes.

"Yes John, just let me... Think for a little bit." Sherlock stared at the wall in front of him. "So, are you saying that you believe we really should adopt a child and... John, this is insane, I mean, you would probably be a wonderful parent if we don't count your cooking skills, you'd have patience and you would care, but me... John I have a hard time with us and you know, _you know_, how much I... I care and that I'd do anything... But it is still so hard for me..." Sherlock was sounding confused and that made John a little worried, that was not really like him. Weird.

"Sherlock?" John called trying to calm him down. "It is okay if you don't want it, I just... It was just a possibility." Sherlock put his hand over his forehead and closed his eyes.

"Oh bloody hell, my head hurts" John looked about to say something, but... "John, look, truth is that, I would go through anything by your side, I am just afraid that I'll disappoint you if I am not the perfect parent that I know I can't be."

"Sherlock, I don't want a perfect parent, I want you. You are wonderful." John hugged him. "How long has it been going on?" Sherlock looked confused. "Your headache, how long?"

"A couple days, but I'll be fine." Sherlock kissed the top of John's head "I have a case, have to go, order some Brazilian food, will you?" He said leaving and not waiting for the answer. John was worried, a couple of days? Sherlock never got sick... Weird.

August 10th

Sherlock was buying groceries with John. He didn't admit, but he liked to do this normal things around John, he really liked it, and further more he was able to see people and deduce them, even though John hated it and always gave him "the look".

"John, we better off buying some apples than oranges." Sherlock said casually.

"But... What about natural orange juice?" Sherlock raised an eyebrow.

"This orange has a black stain on the side which shows that it was not treated with care by whom ever brought it here, that in case was that guy on you right that is touching the grapes. That shows that he only deals with this section, or you can just read on his name tag "right section", the apples are on the left section. He just hurt his finger and put it in his mouth, what he does not know yet is that he has the flu, which I can see by..."

"Sherlock, I swear, if you don't stop that I'll buy oranges just to throw them at you. Just lie, say you like apples better." John sighted and walk towards the apples, but Sherlock did not move. Weird.

"If you are so annoyed by my skills why do you still argue with me then? Just go with the first thing I say and..." He was silent and John looked at him."John..." He stopped and put a hand over his mouth. "John I think I'm dizzy and I'll..." He threw up on the floor. John let the groceries bag fall on the floor with a loud noise and ran towards Sherlock.

"Babe, talk to me, Sherlock, tell me, what are you feeling?" John was shaking from head to toe, he's been watching Sherlock, first that head ache, all of that confusion, now this, what a fuck was wrong?

"John, my head" Sherlock complained half awake, he looked like he was going to pass out "It hurts. Take me home, I don't want to go to the hospital, take me home, please love, please, just take me home."

September 3rd

"You really need to listen Sherlock!" John was breaking, he was going to cry and yell and whatever he needed to do, but he was taking Sherlock to the hospital this time.

"John, please, this is ridiculous, I work in crime scenes, I am exposed to some pretty sick people and their blood and their objects, it would be obvious for me to get something, it's gonna pass, don't be stupid!" Sherlock said laying in bed. His head was still hurting and after that episode in the groceries store John just wouldn't let him be.

"WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING SELFISH!" John snapped. He was afraid he knew what was doing this to Sherlock. But God, no, please no, he prayed and asked to be wrong. He breathed. "Sherlock, please, this is, one of those things that would make me comfortable. Please."

Sherlock jumped up and didn't meet John's eyes, he got his coat and went to the door. John was confused.

"Where the hell are you going?" John was so tired of all of this childish actions.

"To the hospital, isn't that what you want? Let's go." John followed him running. Finally.

When they got to the hospital John was shaking, he was so nervous. The doctor attended them in a small, white room, Sherlock did not seem to be paying attention to anything and John did all of the talking. Although it annoyed him immensely that Sherlock was pretending not to be there, maybe it was better that he was in silence otherwise he would just start blabbing about how the Doctor's wife was cheating or God knows what.

"You'll have to do some tests and then... Well, I would ask you to spend the night in the hospital."

Sherlock sighted. Oh shit, John thought.

"There are lots of people that die from infections that they get at the hospital you know? I can certainly go through the tests and go home, John will – please be sure he will – be back to pick up the results and see that I am fine. Don't try to keep me here, because doctor, let's be honest, if I had to die I don't believe four white walls would keep me from it. It did not keep your daughter. Tell me, how can you still work here? Normal people would just..." John gave him 'the look' and this was a big one, one that would have been a slap if they were close enough.

"Please, forgive him. Anyhow, yes, we are staying, which room?" John ignored while Sherlock tried to protest. Fuck his protest, now John just wanted him safe, four white walls were maybe not able to keep him from dying, but would keep John from a mental break down.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 – I'd go through anything

John walked into the room the next morning. Sherlock was laying on the bed. He was so mad he had to stay. John loved his mad expression. He went to the house after they left the doctor's small room and picked up his and Sherlock's stuff for the night.

"How are you feeling?" Sherlock had a book in hands and he did not take his eyes from it to answer, actually, he did not bother to answer. "Oh Sherlock! Don't be like that, you know I only did it because I thought you needed to be better assisted." John threw his hands in the air. Sherlock did not move, but he spoke. It was something.

"Oh, I didn't realize my opinion about how I feel counted once that when I said I was fine I was dragged to the hospital and once I said that again I had to spend the night trapped here with that young nurse that is so afraid to tell her mom that she is a lesbian that she forgets about her job and I had to correct her twice. Twice." He was so mad.

"Oh you spoiled little brat." John said going to sit on the bed.

"John, I did not marry a doctor to come to the hospital, I counted you would take care of me at home." He said still behind the book.

"I'll take care of you anywhere Sherlock" John said putting the book down softly, staring into Sherlock's eyes and touching the black curls.

Sherlock stared at him, he was reading, John knew, but he did not care.

"You are truly worried, and you have guesses, bad ones by the bags under your eyes." Sherlock said with no emotion.

"I just worry, but hey, my guesses are worthless now, we got the tests done last night and... We should be good, I made sure you got every single piece of you checked, and once you are right and you show me you are just fine and beat me up because I made you spend the night here we can go back home and just..." John kissed Sherlock, a strong but not desperate kiss.

When they finally parted Sherlock sighed.

"John, I did not want to tell you this before... I was scared, but I am sure now." He said, eyes glancing to the window. "I want that baby with you." He finally met John's eyes. John was standing there, no emotion controlled his expression, he was just there staring at Sherlock with his hand on his hair and Sherlock wandered if John had changed his mind. "Unless you changed your mind..." But John just did not let him finish and he kissed him and hugged him.

"You are going to be a wonderful father." John said with his lips in Sherlock's hair. Dr. Williams knocked on the door. He had the test results and John yelled a fast 'come in' while he was letting go of Sherlock, still sitting on his bed.

"I'd like to talk about the exams." Dr. Williams seemed serious and worried.

"Yes..." John said, still smiling from the talk seconds ago.

"In all of my years I never seemed to find a way of doing this so... Well, we found a tumour. It is not operable, it is very advanced and..." He flipped through a couple pages of paper. "I'm sorry."

What was it with the world, it stopped. John could not focus, he could not stand nor sit, he could not think or stop doing it. He knew it was not his fault, but he could not feel like it wasn't. The word was echoing in his mind a tumour, it suddenly sounded much worse then whatever, it sounded worse then all of the worse things he had been through his whole life.

"We can try the chemotherapy. I believe it is our only choice right now and I'd like to be completely honest, I am not sure it will work." Sherlock was almost too calm. He looked fine.

"I suppose you already know it won't work right doctor?" Sherlock said calm. "Why don't you just tell me how long, it would make things easier so I can go home and start to live the rest of my life." Sherlock was so natural. John felt sick.

"Mr. Holmes, I assume you would like to talk to your husband alone and decide together, but I'll tell you one thing: I never lost my hope, until the last minute I held on to my daughter and I wouldn't advise you to do any different." He left the room.

John was trying, he was going to hold those sobs, he was going to be strong for Sherlock, but his eyes were just to full, he just couldn't breathe, the ball in his throat was just too tight and he gave up, the sobs came out and he couldn't hold them in because it felt impossible, he needed to let go.

Sherlock's arms came around him and gave him a tight hug. John just didn't know how long they spent like that. Sherlock did. Sherlock knew and appreciated every single second of it, of those two hours and twenty three minutes until John fell asleep in exhaustion and crying himself to sleep in Sherlock's arms. They didn't talk. There was no need. Sherlock knew he would have to do the chemotherapy. For the first time he decided to just do as he would be told, he owed that to John, he couldn't just let it be as he would have done if it was just him, whatever John wanted was what was going to happen. Always. For the rest of Sherlock's life.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 – Go.

After his first chemotherapy section Sherlock threw up and felt sick for hours. John was right there, by his side. After his second one he felt weak and thought he was going to die right there, but John held his hand through the night and Sherlock knew he planned to do the same through all of the other sections.

That afternoon Sherlock was quiet, sitting on his bed, just thinking. John looked awful he was losing weight like nobody's business and did not have enough sleep at all, they were now living in the hospital and that wasn't making things any better.

"You should leave." Sherlock said. His hands were together under his chin and he was staring at the blankets.

"Sorry?" John said, he was just coming out of his own mind place that right now was the place where he spent most of his time when Sherlock was at exams.

"You. Should. Leave. Go John, just go." Sherlock said in a loud voice now looking at John.

"What the fuck are you talking about Sherlock?" John ran towards him, sat on the bed and ran his fingers through Sherlock's hair, a huge amount of it came off in his hands and he felt like crying.

Sherlock looked at it and turned his eyes away, as if he was... Embarrassed? John just wanted to comfort him. "John, leave, please, go away." John turned Sherlock's face towards his to look in his eyes.

"Why? Why would you ask me that Sherlock, you know I can't, I would never..." John started.

"I don't want you to see me like this." Sherlock said and stopped himself from running his fingers through his hair in the middle of the action.

"Oh Sherlock, are you kidding me? Is this all about your hair? Sherlock don't be stupid they are going to shave it tomorrow and I'll be here, I'll always be, and that doesn't change anything, I love you, you are beautiful, Sherlock I live for you not for your hair. We are gonna go through this togeth...". "No John we're not." Sherlock stopped him. "It is not my hair, I just don't want you here. I... after all of this I just... I need to be with myself, I don't want to share my last minutes with anyone, I want to be alone. Leave, please." Sherlock said quietly. It was a lie, it was such a lie. He just saw what it was doing to John and maybe that was his only shot to stop hurting John. It was killing him -with no intended joke - to see John like that because of him. Sherlock could deal with guilt. God he could. But not this one. Not with the guilt of hurting John.

John got up from bed and stared at the floor. "I didn't realize I was... Bothering... You?" It was a question, in that John way of being.

"Yes. Please, go." John picked up his backpack and left, closing the door behind him slowly. And then he ran. He ran through the hallways until he was outside, but it was still suffocating, Sherlock was just everything. He wasn't able to lose Sherlock, but the possibility of losing him and not even being with him when that happened. That was just too much. He just kept running. Running away from the pain inside him.

Sherlock was sitting there, he didn't move since John left, and that was an hour and seventeen minutes before. It hurt more to know that John would leave so easily then to have to send him away. But it was better like that. He could die in peace because John was safe from suffering, from losing weight and not sleeping. Sherlock felt empty though.

The night passed by very slowly, Sherlock was considering all that he did in his life and it took him the night to decide he was happy with the final product. He was okay with dying like that. But he really wanted to do everything right. After sending John away he still had some people to deal with. He picked up his phone in the middle of the night and started typing.

_I have a brain tumour. _

_SH_

The answer came as fast as it was possible.

_Sherlock, not a good time to joke with me. What are you up to?_

_MH_

One thing that Sherlock learned from John's stupid movies was that, people apparently appreciate when you let them know they are a part of you life, that would probably work with the two next people, but not Mycroft... He had to try.

_I know we don't say it, actually, we never said it, but you know I do._

_SH_

Another answer.

_You know it is reciprocal. Where are you?_

Sherlock didn't answer, he knew sooner or later Mycroft would discover, it should take around ten minutes, he texted Molly and Lestrade. Mrs. Hudson knew it, she brought him flowers and sat with him at least twice a week and bored him to death with her casual stories about Baker Street 221B. He liked it. He appreciated it.

In the morning Molly came and Lestrade with her, Mycroft showed up right after Mrs. Hudson left and he just sat there and looked at Sherlock, this went on for one hour, Sherlock stared back. Mycroft got up of his seat and came closer to the bed, looking to his shoes, he was seeing his baby brother, not that man in front of him.

"Well, it was a very pleasant visit my dear brother, I will come back as soon as I can, keep that in mind will you?" Sherlock nodded and watched Mycroft walk away. Mycroft knew.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 – You Idiot.

The hospital room was very boring without John and Sherlock hated to just sit there. He had a lot of books, but within these days at the hospital and the last hour after Mycroft's visit he had read all of them and was just... Bored. Bored. To. Death. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Sherlock let his mind wander, he was considering leaving the hospital, after all, although the nurses tried to be nice and sweet he knew the results of the chemotherapy just weren't coming along. He was dying. And, if he going to do so, a hospital is not where he wanted to be. Of course he couldn't have what he wanted anymore, he had sent John away. He wouldn't be a cliche and start travelling the world or making a difference in people's lives either. That was pathetic, Sherlock was definitely not doing that. He wanted a new case, a last case. For some reason it was all that he was seeking for right now, but he had to do this last chemotherapy section that afternoon after getting his head shaved. Not for him, oh God no! He'd be long gone if he was thinking just about him, but just because he wanted John to know that he tried, John would certainly start trying to get information at some point, he knew John would.

"Mr. Holmes, are you ready?" The voice threw him out of his thoughts.

"For what?" He sad dryly.

"For..." She looked at him. Sherlock stared for a little bit. She was a mother, of at least two children, she was tired, she was short of money. Single mom. She for sure had some stress over her, but she, after all that Sherlock said to all of the professionals that had the 'luck' of meeting him; she was the only one that was still sweet, she treated him like a child... Like one of her children when they were just frustrated. She had a lot of patience. She was a good mom.

"Just say it. You don't need to protect my feelings, it is just hair." He said inpatient.

"I am sorry. You just... Your curls remind me of my youngest soon. They are beautiful Mr. Holmes." She smiled and Sherlock, for once, did not know what to do or say for the compliment. So he nodded numbly.

"Yes, I am ready." He said and she helped him getting up. He was so weak and feeling so embarrassed for needing help for everything, but when her hands touched him, for a second, he just imagined it would be John. From now on he would allow himself to have this selfish thoughts, it's not like John would come back, they were just thoughts.

He sat on the chair in one of those white rooms and his nurse left, another nurse put a plastic cape around him.

"It is okay if you cry, we will never judge you in here, okay sweetheart?" Sherlock was about to snap something like 'This is not your job' or 'I am not your drug addicted child, stop comforting me for things that won't change' when someone opened the door. He looked at the figure. It was a man, he looked embarrassed, a beautiful man with gorgeous blue eyes and a smile lightening the whole room. A bald man.

The light was reflecting on John's head and he knew that because Sherlock could not take his eyes off the spot where the light was hitting his bare skin. He threw the backpack on the floor and pulled a chair beside Sherlock's to hold his hand. The nurse didn't attempt to say anything, she was sobbing. She had seen John around before.

Sherlock looked at John numbly, he just couldn't believe. He opened his mouth to say something, but the little raiser was turned on and he closed it again. If he believed in this sort of things, he would say it was a sign, because they didn't need to say anything.

His curls started falling onto his lap and he could hear the nurse sobbing loudly, he was staring at his hand holding John's. His hair was not a big deal, he did not care, but John... It was not about the hair, it was just seeing that John supported him so badly, good God, he had sent that man away, being a jerk, he made John suffer and dragged him to this awful place that they were right now, but John just wouldn't leave.

He looked for John's eyes and when he found them his heart broke in a thousand pieces. John was staring at the curls falling around them, tears streaming down his face. Sherlock put his free hand on John's face and dried a tear.

"It's okay John." He said trying not to feel guilty for hurting John like that.

John just nodded and pressed his lips together. More tears came down.

Once the nurse was done she had stopped sobbing and was in a 'silent cry' mode. She looked at Sherlock very carefully. "Would you like to see it?" She said reaching for a mirror that was against the wall.

Sherlock considered. "No, I'm fine, thank you." He looked at John. "Can we go now?" John helped him get back to the room where he sat on his bed and John sat beside him.

"I..." Sherlock started. "I am so sorry John." He looked for John's eyes and found them. "Thank you. I really appreciat..." He was interrupted with a kiss that meant 'shut up' and so he did and just stared at John.

John looked at him and came out with a smile without showing his teeth. "You are an idiot."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 - That should do it.

John looked at the floor and Dr. Williams kept going. "I am so sorry, we did all that we could, but, right now Mr. Holmes, you should just go home and enjoy every moment." He breathed heavily, his eyes watering, he was sure going through his memories of his daughter. "I am really sorry." Dr. Williams left the room.

Sherlock held John's hand. "C'mon, let's put our things together and go home as soon as possible." But John wouldn't move. "John?"... "Are you alright?"

"No Sherlock. I AM NOT ALRIGHT!" John exploded, now he was looking at Sherlock. "We just heard that there is no hope, that there is nothing we can do to save you, that there is nothing _I can do_ to save you. It does not matter what I do, from now on it's all useless." He breathed and got up from his seat. "And it is all my fault, if I had brought you here earlier, if I had really forced you to check on that headache as I knew I should, maybe none of this would be happening." He wanted to cry, but he had no more tears.

"John, you are having a panic attack, let the information sink in. It is just adrenaline, you are a very rational person, you know it is not your fault, and being a doctor you know people tend to feel like that. Stop it." Sherlock said patiently. He did not look disturbed at all and John wanted to know how, but he just could not bring himself to ask or anything, he just couldn't.

"I'll pick up your things." John said and started putting things together, hating himself for not being the strong one when Sherlock needed it the most.

When they got home John helped Sherlock go up the stairs, helped him shower, changed him into his pyjamas, fed him soup and put him in bed. Then he took a shower and went to the room. Sherlock was lying there, looking at the ceiling, his phone was shining by his side, proofing recent use.

"What were you up to on your phone?" John asked quietly, he was in silence since his scene at the hospital and Sherlock did not force his way.

"You don't have to be strong John. Not anymore. I am dying, being strong won't keep me here, just let me be with you, let me know what's in your mind. Please, let me just be with you, really just know everything."

"Oh Sherlock." John jumped on the bed and hugged Sherlock as tight as he could and Sherlock did the same, they were both letting their tears roll down their faces, and then John kissed Sherlock. He kissed him like it was their last kiss, and kissed him again, and again, and all of the kisses were given as if they were the last one. John opened Sherlock's shirt and kissed his chest in desperatly until Sherlock pulled his lips back to a passionate kiss. They gave all that they had to each other, and although Sherlock's body was weak and giving in, he made sure he could give all of him, all of his love in every single touch, kiss and look. He made sure John knew that Sherlock was his, forever, no matter what happened. He would always be his.

John looked into Sherlock's eyes, they were still so beautiful, he remembered the first time he saw those eyes. They were full of life and hunger for the world. Now there was something else there and John would rather never know what it was, it didn't matter, he knew that this something else had love mixed to it, and he knew that was all he could ask for that moment, he would ask for love if it was him in Sherlock's place – God, he wished it was him –, to be able to feel love and be loved. So that is what he was going to give to Sherlock. That was all he could give Sherlock. They were laying beside each other, hugging each other tightly. Sherlock sighted. "I have a case." He took his eyes away from John's, he knew what would be his reaction. "I called Lestrade and this girl was found..."

"SHERLOCK!" John was mad. Oh shit. "You are not doing any of this crap, you need to be resting, you need preserve yourself, you..."

"PRESERVE MYSELF? FOR WHAT JOHN?" He was sitting down now looking into John's eyes. "THIS IS NOT HOW I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE, LYING IN A BED AND WAITING FOR DEATH TO COME, THIS IS RIDICULOUS, I AM STILL ALIVE JOHN AND DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME!" He yelled.

John looked at him and touched his face. "You are scared." It was not a question.

"Please John. You made me happy, you changed my life. Now you may as well let me do this last thing." Sherlock said closing his eyes to the touch.

"Why Sherlock?" He got closer. "Tell me why baby."

"Because it makes me feel like I can still solve things, like I'm still in control. Like I'll still be here with you for all of the long years to come." Sherlock opened his eyes.

"Can I help?" John asked in a low voice.

"How would it feel normal if you were not there?" Sherlock kissed John's bald head.

The next morning they got into the case. Sherlock was looking paler and weaker every single minute that he was out in the field and John could barely contain the impulse of dragging him back inside where he could just sit and stare at him like that would prevent him from anything bad that could possibly happen. Sherlock looked happy though, in his own Sherlock way. He solved the case in within three days.

"Thanks again Sherlock." Lestrade said looking at Sherlock with those big eyes and there was something there.

"Honestly Lestrade?" Sherlock said cynical and Lestrade laughed.

"You are right. Never did that, not gonna do it now, and what would be the point of it anyways, you know it... Right Sherlock? I mean, you know everything." Lestrade felt like crying.

"You are right. I know everything." Sherlock smiled.

"It is not a goodbye though, I know you'll be around, I'll see you soon right? I mean, I can come visit and I can..." Sherlock did the unexpected. He hugged Lestrade.

"You are wrong Lestrade." He said hugging him. "It is a goodbye. I am not gonna come around. I am gonna spend every living second with John from now on. I needed to do this because I though it would make me feel healthy, alive, but now I know that I can only get this from John, and I am running to his arms right now and spending the rest of my life there. Goodbye Lestrade." Sherlock never said I love you, but he figured Lestrade knew it. He turned away and walked towards the door where John was waiting on the outside. It was time to accept and let John make him feel alive and although it wouldn't be for long... That should do it.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 – As long as you're there.

Nine O'clock AM.

Some days passed and Sherlock kept looking even more sick, John kept losing weight and crying while in the shower. He did not want Sherlock to know he was suffering.

Mrs. Hudson came upstairs with tea and some breakfast everyday for them and this morning it wasn't different. Once John hit the kitchen he spotted Sherlock sitting there, reading the paper and drinking something in a huge cup.

"Good morning Sherlock." John said sleepy.

"Good morning John." Sherlock sighted. "I should let you know that my brother and Molly are visiting today. Mycroft just texted me and believe me, I am not happy either."

"Who said I am not happy?" John asked. "I'd love to have them over. I heard Molly and Lestrade have something going on... Is that right?" Sherlock did not take his eyes out of the paper to answer.

"Oh John, please. Of course it is, are you blind lately?" Sherlock kept forgetting that... Oh well, not everybody was Sherlock Holmes.

"Yes Sherlock, I am blind, and also I am a human being, shame on me." John said picking up a piece of toast and seating down. It was almost normal now, all of Sherlock rude comments and everything.

"Should I also inform you that Harriet called?" Sherlock said again not taking his eyes off the paper.

"Yes, it should have been the first thing!" John said alarmed. Harriet did not call a lot so when she did he made sure she knew he appreciated. "Remember that for next time, it is important that I know about Harriet." He said picking up the phone when he heard Sherlock start talking.

"Sorry John, it was the last time I made this mistake" He laughed quietly. "Next time..." He said to himself.

"SHERLOCK, CAN YOU NOT?" John said looking at him in complete panic. Sherlock smiled back at him and looked to the paper again. "Jesus, if you say that again I'll... I'll..." He didn't finish, he had already dialled the number and Harriet answered.

"Hey John!" She said excited.

"Hi Harry." John said happy to hear her voice. "Sherlock told me you called." He heard a Sherlock's side comment like 'don't be obvious' or something like that but ignored him as always.

"Yes, I was just wondering how are you guys doing and how is he, once that when I asked he just when on and on blabbing about what an obnoxious question I had asked." John laughed.

"We are good Harriet, we... We are pretty good." John said trying to convince himself that this morning was one of many others to come just like that, with their on little temper added to it.

"I am so sorry John. I know how much you love him, I really am..." Harriet was in tears, John could hear it in her voice and he looked at Sherlock, looking so fragile and still so annoying, clever, sarcastic and beautiful. God, he was gorgeous – John thought to himself.

"I know Harry, don't worry." John smiled a sad smile turning his back to Sherlock who was not even pretending not to watch him. "I'll talk to you soon okay? Please, please call more often. I really miss you." He sighted, one of Sherlock's frequent actions that he just added to his own list of actions. "I love you, take care." Harriet answered with a weak I love you too and promises of calling as soon as she could and they hang up.

"What?" John asked Sherlock who did not take his eyes from him.

"You know, right John?" Sherlock narrowed his eyes.

"I don't underst..." John stopped. He understood it. "Yes Sherlock and I love you too."

Molly and Mycroft came around eleven o'clock and Mycroft was terrified when he saw Sherlock. His naturally skinny figure was just ridiculously smaller, the absence of his dark curls, his skin even paler than before, his expression looking tired. Mycroft wouldn't give him another two days. Sherlock read that in his expression.

"Hello my dear brother." Mycroft said trying to look only into Sherlock's eyes and not focus in anything else. Molly was hugging John and going to hug Sherlock as well.

"Hello." Sherlock said for both, Molly that had her arms around his neck and Mycroft who wouldn't move any farther or closer. He felt Molly's tiny body start to move with her short breathes. She was trying not to cry.

"John, could you show me the bathroom, I really need to go..." She said and John understood taking her and maybe even going to cry with her.

"So," Mycroft said seating beside Sherlock on the couch. "How is he taking it?"

"He is not sleeping much, nor eating much, but he looks like the information is sinking in, although I think he needs more time, and as you already guessed I don't think I have any more time, not even days to give him. I count on you, Lestrade, Molly and Mrs. Hudson to help with this lack of mine." Sherlock said. Asked. In his own mind he was begging. Whatever to keep John moving on with his life.

"I'll do whatever in my power if that is your stronger wish." Mycroft said smiling one of his creepy smiles.

"Mycroft... I've been losing my skills, this tumour... One of the symptoms is that it gets hard to rationalize." Sherlock watched sadness washing Mycroft's face. "Are you and Lestrade together or is he with Molly?" Sherlock had that air of curiosity and not even a trace of embarrassment by asking personal questions. He was still Sherlock.

"They are best friends... They were trying, but apparently... You know. He chose me." Mycroft by the other hand was embarrassed.

"Shit. I am getting useless." Sherlock breathed heavily and Mycroft nodded.

"I know it and I hope you know it too." Mycroft breathed heavily. "It's not gonna be long from now Sherlock. I just need to be sure you know it."Sherlock looked at him.

"Yes. You know it is reciprocal. You might as well proof it by not letting anything bad happen to John. Please. And that other thing, I mean, if he accepts it." Sherlock smiled a sad smile. "He is the little part of me, that is nothing like me, that will still be alive, you might as well make sure he is fine."

John and Molly came back, Molly was better and she made sure to have a moment alone with Sherlock and tell him how much she admired him and loved him and how strong he was, how she believed in miracles. Sherlock heard it all and every time he opened his mouth he was hit by one of John's looks.

Molly and Mycroft left and Mrs. Hudson came around with some flowers and tea. Right before she left she sat with Sherlock and filled his cheeks with kisses. "Oh my boy, you are so strong." She smiled a genuine smile, but Sherlock knew she's been crying. "But you still have to eat to keep the fight up, will you?" She hugged him and kissed his cheeks a couple more of times and Sherlock surprised her by giving her a kiss on the forehead, then she got up and went downstairs in a hurry, she was going to cry.

Sherlock looked at John that closed the door and turned with red eyes, crying.

"What is it John?" Sherlock said in a soft voice moving to open some space so John could seat by his side.

"They just love you so much, all of them, it makes me happy." John smiled one of his sunny smiles.

"I know." Sherlock said while John sat by his side. "It made me happy too." He kissed the top of John's head.

"I just ordered Brazilian food." John said accommodating his head on Sherlock's shoulder and breathing his sent. "We should do this every night from now on, and we should also travel to Brazil, we should take our baby there, a boy or a girl... I think it would be an awesome family trip." John was saying casually, he had his eyes closed.

"John, just don't." Sherlock said dryly. "Stop making these silly plans, stop it, why would you torture yourself like that?"

"I can't. You gave me a miracle before, and you can give me another one. I know you can." John cracked. He was crying and his tears hit Sherlock skin. "You came back to me, we made this relationship work, we solved crimes, we had everything. You gave me everything, you are the best man I ever known and I owe you my life Sherlock, the least I can do is to believe in you, I believe in you, with every single part of me." John hugged Sherlock tightly.

"John, I can't change this." Sherlock said calmly. "But you can keep going, you should, you have a life in front of you and I am the one asking for your miracle right now. Keep going. Don't die with me." Sherlock sighted. "It is very, very close now, I can feel my body giving in and now; now I need you to be strong, not for me, for you, but if that doesn't work, then for me. Promise me." Sherlock pulled John's head from his shoulder so he could look into his eyes.

"I promise you Sherlock." John sobbed. "I promise you."

They spent some more time hugging each other and then John calmed down. They ate Brazilian food on the couch and watched a stupid movie, to which Sherlock commented all of the stupid things and they finally went to bed.

Five Thirty AM

John was lying as close as he could from Sherlock and they were not sleeping, but just listening to each others breath.

"I didn't watch the sunrise since I was a little boy" John said. "Can we do it tonight?"

"Of course we can." Sherlock said getting up and they walked slowly to the window of the room that once was John's until Sherlock jump from a building, come back three years later and see a drunk John said that he loved him, kisses and fun apart John discovered Sherlock loved him too, although he only said it once or twice. John just knew it.

They were watching the sunrise holding hands and whispering for some silly reason in their minds, there was no one else there, but apparently they liked to pretend they were just telling their secrets to each other while watching the rest of the world keep going in ignorance around them.

"I can't believe you remember that!" John said within a laugh. "Dominatrix." He laughed again. "I was jealous of her, but I did not quite know that back then..." Sherlock laughed.

"She had a point when she said we were a couple though." Sherlock pressed John's hand with a little bit more of strength for a couple of seconds.

"We definitely have an awesome story." John said watching the sun set it's place behind the London usual clouds.

"I love you John" Sherlock said looking at him. "Now I am sure you know it." Sherlock smiled a sad smile.

"I love you too Sherlock. Too much for me to stand, sometimes I think I'll explode with the love I feel for you." John kissed Sherlock's lips briefly.

"Please, don't set up high standards. I am doing my very best." Sherlock said and kissed his forehead, the kiss was followed by a yawn.

"Time to go to bed love?" John said making fun of him with the loving nickname, Sherlock gave him what was his best imitation of 'the look' that John used to do all of the time and John laughed out loud.

They walked to the room where they were lying together.

"You are my life John, please, don't forget that I love you, okay? No matter what, I was always yours and no matter what people say you are the only one that really knows me and I would do anything and go anywhere, as long as you are there that is all that matters to me." Sherlock said hugging John tightly.

"Having a bit of a panic attack are we?" John said kissing Sherlock's cheek. "I know, and you are everything to me, nobody will change your image to me, never babe. I love you. Goodnight." Sherlock pulled John to a passionate kiss.

"I love you, good night John." Sherlock said and whispered a goodbye under his breath that he was not sure John heard, and then he fell asleep, with John holding him tight.

Nine O'clock AM

It was one of those grey-sort-of-sunny mornings when John woke up beside Sherlock.

"Good morning Sherlock." John said kissing Sherlock's chest. He hugged him a little bit more tightly being careful not to hurt his extremely skinny husband. Sherlock's arms were around him, but they didn't move. Sherlock was lying still and John enjoyed the moment to watch his chest going up and down with what would be his -now regular- weak way to breath, except that it was not moving. At all. John felt a cut inside his body, a warm sensation covered his insides and made him conscious of every single beat of his heart. "Sherlock?" He said in a shaky voice. "Sherlock!" He shook Sherlock's body, but he knew. Oh no. Oh God...

John left the room and went to the kitchen, he was breathing heavily, he sat on his usual chair and put his head on his hands.

"Oh my God... Why Sherlock? Why?" He breathed once again and let the sobs come out, all of them. He cried for one hour until Mrs. Hudson came upstairs with her usual tray, which as soon as she saw John she put on the table and got on her knees to cry with him, holding his arms.

He was gone. And John now realized how stupid it was to make the promise he had made.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 – Goodbye John.

John was still seating on the grass, his face wet with tear tracks. Everybody was gone. He was alone; so alone.

"We will all miss him." Mycroft's voice came from behind John who didn't even turn to look, but gave a sad laugh. "Is there something you'd like to tell me?" Mycroft said seating beside John.

"No, nothing... We just... We were going to have a baby, we were going to..." He stopped, letting all of the sobs come out, but forced himself to continue "we were going to travel and eat foreign restaurants food every night..." He sobbed and it sounded like a laugh.

"Look John, there is a reason for me to be here... I can't make those things happen... Just... Well... I can't give you Sherlock back, but he left you something." Mycroft took a paper out of his pocket.

John took the paper with a bit of desperation, it was like a little bit of Sherlock, and then he opened it.

_To John:_

_I know you'll probably not approve this, and I will understand if you say no, but I myself never had such skills to deny you anything or to disappoint you when I gave you my word on something._

_Hope this gives you what you need to keep going as I'm sure I made you promise._

_SH_

John was confused, but the Mycroft gave him an envelope. "Mycroft, what is it? Please just... Just tell me." John said inpatient.

"It is the addresses of the clinic where Sherlock left his frozen sperm and of the "mom" he found to your baby. I have all of the money to pay for everything... You get to try at least three times with the best professionals and... Well... This is all I got. Inside this envelope there are also all of the papers, everything is done, you just need to want it." John looked panicked. He was turning green. "Oh my God, John, I told him it wasn't a good idea, are you alright?" Mycroft was worried.

"I'm fine... I am just... I am fine." John said. He could never imagine that Sherlock would do that for him.

Mycroft got up "There is one more thing..." He shook his head like he thought it was absurd. "He said he left a... A name suggestion with the woman he chose, he asked me to let you know and make sure that you would remind her to tell you." Mycroft shook his head again and said a brief goodbye that John did not really hear.

"Sherlock you bastard!" He slapped the grass. "I can't do it, not without you!" he looked at the envelope and back to the grass. "But you just don't get it do you? You never did... You were a child yourself... I love you Sherlock, I always will... I love everything about you and anything that comes from your weird little mind, even these stupid ideas... It just makes me be sure about who you were even more."

John got up to his feet holding all of the papers. "Goodbye Sherlock."


	9. Epilogue

Epilogue.

7 years later.

"John, are you sure?" John looked at Mrs. Hudson smiling, she was still such a sweetheart.

"Yes Mrs. Hudson, we'll be fine." John said hugging her and then turning to the living room. "Hamish, come say goodbye to grandma."

The skinny little figure got up and came running to hug Mrs. Hudson's legs, she touched his dark curly hair and kissed the top of his head. "Goodbye grandma!" Hamish said excited. "Have fun on your time off and don't forget to call when you get there." Mrs. Hudson gave a loud laugh at the six year old requests and answer with 'Of course my dear!' and before she left she finished with 'Be good my boys and don't do anything that Sherlock would when I was not around! I love you!' "Love you Grandma!" Hamish yelled and she smiled from the door before she closed it.

"Dad?" Hamish looked to John. "What does she mean by 'anything that Sherlock would do'?"

"Your dad was a bit of an extreme man dear." John answered seating on the floor to look at Hamish, he was not completely like Sherlock, he had a lot of people skills, he was very much like John, but he was far too smart and the physical was just like Sherlock's. Hamish narrowed his blue eyes again. Oh, here we go, more questions.

"Do you think he would be proud of me?" John's heart stopped. "I mean, from all that I hear, he was a sort of a super-hero. I just wanted to be sure I will be as good as he was." Hamish said being completely honest.

"Hamish, your dad was a weird man to read and I admit his reactions always, _always_, surprised me" He said remembering exactly how Hamish was given to him. "But of one thing I am sure, he would love you no matter what. He had an enormous heart and I am pretty sure that if he was alive you would have pretty much all of the space in his heart." John touched Hamish's face... '_a miracle' _that is what he had asked Sherlock for... Sherlock was right, he never denied anything to John. He gave John a miracle.

"Are we going to order Brazilian food tonight?" Hamish said excited.

"Yes, whatever you want Hamish!" He laughed.

"Dad?" John looked at him with the phone in his hands. "Just one last question..." John put the phone away and sat down putting Hamish onto his lap. "Why did he gave me to you? I mean... He was sick and you were alone... I was a plan for both of you right?" Oh. My. God. Yes, this was Sherlock Holmes' child everybody.

"Yes. You were a plan for two and your father was an idiot, he couldn't say no to me..." He sighted and so did Hamish at the same time. "I had asked him for a miracle." Hamish threw his little skinny arms around John's neck and buried his face on John's shoulder.

"I love you dad." Hamish said. John started crying in emotion and answered weakly with "I love you too Hamish."

John knew that the pain of losing Sherlock would never go away, but... He had a little piece of Sherlock right there, hugging him... Although Hamish knew how to talk about his emotions, but Sherlock gave him the only thing he could give, he gave him love, he left his love in that child, their child and John knew that this was the only thing that mattered.


End file.
